Japanese

The bartender told me I’m handsome. She complimented me on my pink beanie. I sheepishly wave it off.

The people at the market stop to take photos with us. Everyone is so nice. I left my bag there, they returned it to me. Someone here would have stolen it. Someone stole my phone at the gym I worked at once, right out of my bag while I was teaching class. I hope they died.

Sometimes I’m afraid of what I’m changing into. I don’t like people so much anymore. I retreat from the world. Maybe I’m burnt out. Maybe I’m letting go of old paradigms or something.

But then, I liked people in Japan. They leave you alone. They don’t get all up in your business. They put you first (to a frustrating extent sometimes). They show immense gratitude when you do something for them.

Some of them give me funny looks, they think I’m an american spy, maybe. The more rural I go, the funnier the looks. They’re mostly just curious. I don’t believe in racism. I think it’s been debunked.

You can’t say anything any more without some asshole screaming at you and labelling you with a bunch of monikers. You can’t do a funny.

What do you do when your old identity crumbles and dissolves? Where do you go next? I’ve heard there’s a time delay between internal transformation and how the outside world responds to it. I’ll wait it out.

Most of my time is spent helping other people. Listening to them, being attentive to their problems. I’m not Jesus. Lord I think I can’t do it anymore.

I’m an extroverted introvert, I can laugh and dance but I long for the cave.

It always amuses me to think what other people think when they come here from my social media. It’s not that deep, bro. I know you’re like this too, by the way.

I’m not cut out for responsibility. At least, not the kind where I have to do something. I have good people skills and great discernment, I can make decisions in the heat of the moment and I’m great in a pickle, but for the love of God please do not ask me to write in a spreadsheet or organize a party. Leave that up to someone who doesn’t read fantasy novels til 3am, please.

I’m a loyal person, to a fault. You might annoy me but if I’ve got your back, I’ve got it. Sometimes I have fantasies about telling certain people to get fucked. I don’t, but in an alternate timeline where I do I’m probably happier.

I recognize people at their deepest. I understand them. It’s my biggest strength but not knowing the right way to tell them exactly what’s wrong with them and how to fix it is really quite tiresome.

If I moved to Japan I’d probably end up hating it there, too. Maybe life is about making peace with the fact that you’ll never really be content. You won’t make it and there’s no way out.

Not there yet. I should probably meditate more.

People tell me the path to God is the path to peace. I found God though, and my life has been anything but peaceful since. I think if you’ve truly found God then you better buckle up because shit is about to get real.

I’ll keep pushing. If you push hard enough you break the egg from the inside and wake up alive.